The 10-Year-Old Child: The Age When They Ask for Respect
By Dr. Roberto Albani, Pediatrician and Gastroenterologist
Why your 10-year-old suddenly seems rebellious
Many parents describe it in the same way: around the age of 9–10, their child “changes.”
They no longer listen, they oppose rules, do the opposite of what is asked, answer back, and always seem ready to provoke. Nothing that used to work works anymore. They have become a real “rebel.”
When a child questions everything, they’re learning who they are
This change is neither a whim nor a deterioration in character. It is a fundamental developmental phase that is far too often underestimated.
Around the age of ten, a child feels their sense of personal dignity growing and becoming much stronger than before.
A new self-awareness emerges, through which the child perceives themselves as a separate, thinking individual who deserves respect. They are no longer a “little child” and can no longer tolerate being treated as one.
If a parent is rushed, inattentive, or authoritarian, the child experiences this behavior with distress, perceiving it as humiliating, unfair, and devaluing. However, the child is not yet able to clearly express their dissatisfaction and often lacks the linguistic and emotional tools to say:
“You are disrespecting me.”
As a result, frustration turns into opposition, anger, withdrawal, or provocation.
Why does this conflict arise?
The child who is now 10 years old has changed:
- they understand much more,
- they reason,
- they observe how adults speak to one another,
- they notice differences in tone and respect.
And so they ask themselves:
“Why does my mother (or father) speak to me this way, but not to other adults?”
Consequently, when the child feels treated like an object or like someone who “just has to obey,” rebellion arises.
Not because they want to be in charge, but because they want to be seen and acknowledged as an individual.
The parent’s new role and behavior
This phase is important because it marks a turning point in the child’s development. We are entering pre-adolescence, which represents a shift in the parent–child relationship.
Parents need to adjust their attitude and begin learning a new way of relating to their child.
They should start saying explicitly:
- “I understand that you are growing up.”
- “You no longer want to be treated like a little child.”
- “You strongly feel the need to be respected.”
When a child hears these words, they feel relieved and grateful; they feel understood and acknowledged.
This is also because the child is now capable of understanding the reasons behind rules and requests and no longer accepts being told simply: “Do it because I say so.”
Explaining the reasons for rules and requests does not mean losing authority, but rather transforming it methodically into:
- fewer impositions,
- more dialogue,
- greater shared responsibility.
The result will be a message that says:
“If you want to be treated as more grown-up, then we make an agreement: I respect you, and you behave in a more grown-up way.”
The child will feel that the relationship is changing and moving toward a form of “equality.”
Unfortunately, the fear of losing “power or authority” sometimes prevents parents from taking this path. For this reason, it is essential to understand that apologizing does not weaken authority, that admitting one’s mistakes is a sign of respect, and that these attitudes give importance to the child’s emotions and strengthen the bond.
Saying:
“I was in a hurry, I spoke to you in the wrong way, I’m sorry,”
is an extremely powerful educational act.
👇👉Helping your child understand that you have recognized their new sensitivity and awareness, that you understand their stubbornness is not a sign of worsening behaviour but of growth, and that you feel ready to treat them in a new way, will make this transition easier. It will also lay the foundation for a new relationship of mutual trust and closeness, which will be invaluable in facing adolescence.