Is Setting Rules and Limits Just a Convenience for Parents?
By Dr. Roberto Albani, Pediatrician and Gastroenterologist
Boundaries today, confidence tomorrow. Parenting with love and limits.
This is what I wrote in my book “How to Talk to Your Children”.
It seems to me that today, as we are so concerned about not depriving our children of anything and sparing them any discomfort, we forget that their well-being is not necessarily about material comfort and ease.
For example, one of the things that can help make them more attentive to the needs of others and more capable of self-discipline is learning to accept rules, even when they are uncomfortable.
When my firstborn, at eight or nine months old, would cry in anger whenever she was placed in her crib, eager to stay with the adults, my first impulse was to resist her protests and let her fall asleep on her own.
However, the guilt I felt and the usual remarks from the grandparents: “Don’t let her cry, she’s so small!” gained the upper hand.
So, from such an early age, our baby learned that with crying (with the right intensity) she could easily overcome almost any barrier. God only knows how much discomfort this kind of conditioning later caused us as parents and especially to her, and how much hard work and suffering it took for her to gradually acquire, though with great delay, a sense of reality and its limits, which were initially spared to her.
Saying “no” with love is one of the greatest gifts parents can give their children.
The Resistance of Parents
This difficult experience, along with my studies, taught me that it is fundamentally a mistake to delay the imposition of rules and limits for a long time, out of fear that a child in the early years of life is too small to tolerate them.
I have become firmly convinced that it is essential to set them early, and that it is the parents (and not others) who are best suited to start.
A child, in fact, must get used to the idea that even those who love them most do not always believe it is right to satisfy their desires and that they will not hesitate, when necessary, to impose frustrations and sacrifices.
And here are the positive aspects of such an approach.
First of all, it allows a child to acquire the sense of reality, with its limits and hardships, at the most favourable atmosphere— under the protection of the parents.
It also helps them develop the self-discipline and perseverance that will enable them to achieve important life goals without getting discouraged by obstacles and sacrifices, which they are bound to encounter on their journey.
At the same time, it shows them that the parents trust them, meaning that they believe the child is capable of overcoming the disappointments they have to impose on them. This demonstration of trust contributes significantly to creating a positive self-image for the child, or self-esteem.
When I make these observations, many parents remain hesitant to adopt firm approaches with a young child, whom they fear is still too fragile.
I challenge them by saying:
“Try to imagine having a whole brood of children and that the one you have now, instead of being the only one, is the fifth. Would you be able to give them all the attention you give this one now and respond to their requests just as promptly? And if instead you were forced to impose many more limits on them, would you think that would make them a worse person?”
The conclusion we reach together is that experience shows the exact opposite, and that the “fifth” child in a family is generally a solid, cheerful, and independent person, perhaps precisely because they get less attention and learn quickly to “fend for themselves.”
However, when we attempt to impose the first rules or the first “no’s,” it is very likely that our child will not accept them but will rebel and start crying. This reaction makes our task more difficult, especially because it forces us to resist the cries of such a small and seemingly fragile being.
But, as if that were not enough, in recent decades, family culture has found a “modern” justification, which causes many parents to improperly give up their right-duty to impose rules and limits. This justification is the fear of causing a “psychological trauma.”
“I’m afraid of traumatizing my child by letting them cry for so long,” parents often tell me. “Won’t I make them unhappy and insecure?”
So, they hesitate to impose even the most obvious sacrifices, like going to bed at a decent hour or refusing yet another toy.
By giving up the firmness and consistency needed, many parents prevent their children from learning how to face life’s difficulties. On the other hand, they create significant discomfort for themselves, because they lay the groundwork for long and unpleasant battles when they later struggle to make themselves heard, and only with enormous effort and methods they would prefer not to use.
But not imposing limits on a child’s demands from the very first year is also educationally harmful for another reason.
If a child, crying “desperately” at every “no” we give, always manages to get what they want, they soon begin to think that what we give them is their right, that it is “owed” to them. They do not realize that every effort, every sacrifice we make to please them is an act of love, which they should be grateful for.
On the contrary, it is easy to see that children who force their parents to give in to every demand almost always have a dissatisfied and unhappy attitude. They get far more than would be legitimate, but they are still always unhappy…
True love means guiding, not indulging. Setting limits early helps children build strength, gratitude, and confidence—qualities that will serve them for life.