Helping children understand a parent’s absence
By Dr. Roberto Albani, Pediatrician and Gastroenterologist
Small hearts, big questions: talking to children about absent parents.
When a parent is absent, a child doesn’t stop looking for them, but they may begin to feel unloved. Telling the truth, in words their heart can understand, can make all the difference.
Children need honest answers about absence—not to feel abandoned, but to understand they are deeply loved!
I would like to share some experiences I’ve had with my patients, even though at times they go beyond my role as a paediatrician. However, they involve my specialization in “Parenting”, a field I studied in America and one that I love to define as: a course to help parents build an optimal relationship with their children, to support them in raising, educating, and caring for their children properly.
A few years ago, I received a mother who presented me with this issue:
“Dear Doctor, my child is two and a half years old. His father left when he was about seven months old. And, although he was very small when this happened, he adores him and looks for him. The father sees him, on average, twice a month for two to three hours. My requests for him to be more present have been in vain. I feel anguished. What should I say when he asks ‘Where is my daddy?’ or ‘Why isn’t he here?’ How can I give him ‘true’ answers that won’t traumatize him?”
My answer was simple. Here it is for you:
Tell the truth!
At the heart of a child’s emotional struggle in these situations is the belief that a parent left because the child wasn’t deserving of their love or attention.
A child does not view the separation of parents as the result of their disagreement. Being inherently “egocentric,” they perceive it instead as a punishment against them, a sanction for not being “good enough” or “pretty enough” or “lovable enough”.
Therefore, they suffer not just from the absence of the missing parent but from the feeling of not being accepted and loved by them. This happens even if the absent parent is sweet and loving during their visits.
So, what can be done to help your son get through this difficult time?
First and foremost, in my opinion, you should honestly explain the situation between you and your partner.
For example, you could say: “We don’t get along anymore, we don’t love each other anymore”.
It’s better that the child knows the exact reason for the major change in their life. Although it’s traumatic and painful for them to know that their parents no longer love each other, it reassures them to understand that it’s not them whom the parent wanted to abandon by leaving.
When a child asks questions like: “Where is that parent?” or “Why aren’t they here?”, rather than answering directly, it can be helpful to interpret the emotions behind the questions and reflect them back. For example: “Maybe you think they don’t come to see you because they don’t love you?” or “Do you feel like they left because you did something wrong?”
Letting the child know that their feelings are seen and accepted by the present caregiver can offer great comfort.
You might then add something like: “It’s not your fault. They didn’t leave because of you.”
I believe that these approaches are the best ways to help a child face a painful and challenging experience like the separation of their parents and the absence of one of them. It would reassure the child, relieving them of any guilt they might feel.
Navigating the absence of a parent is one of the hardest challenges for a young child.
💜 Yet, it is precisely in these moments of uncertainty that honesty and empathy become essential tools for healing. By offering truthful, age-appropriate explanations and validating your child’s feelings, you help them understand that the separation is not their fault and that they remain deeply loved.